


The End (And The Beginning)

by Energon_with_a_Curly_Straw



Series: Half-Life VR but it's a Red Dwarf AU [1]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life VR but the AI is Self-Aware - Fandom, Red Dwarf
Genre: Everything Turns Out Fine, Gen, Gordon has a panic attack, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Major Character Undeath, Non-Binary Bubby, brief threat of animal harm, trans author
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:21:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26783590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Energon_with_a_Curly_Straw/pseuds/Energon_with_a_Curly_Straw
Summary: After joining the Black Mesa Science Corp ship the Halvaris a year ago, things have been going really well for Gordon Freeman. Sure, here being a theoretical physicist meant practically nothing (though his student loan debt disagreed) and he was mainly assigned to grunt work, but at least he had friends and a promising career. At least until..."Where's the cat, Gordon?"Oh smeg.Or waking up from stasis 3 million years in the future, the last human alive, Gordon Freeman, is stuck in deep space with only a hologram of his dead roommate, the ship's computer, and whatever it was that just crawled out of the vents.
Series: Half-Life VR but it's a Red Dwarf AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952956
Comments: 9
Kudos: 43





	1. The End (and the Beginning)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After scripting, blocking, and reblocking, I realized the art part of my comic was going to take forever, so I took my drafts and wrote this in 24 hours. If it reads a bit weird that's because writing for comics and writing for stories are a bit different, and shifting one to the other is takes some work. I'll admit, I'm a bit rusty, but this au has captured my every thinking moment and I needed to get it (or at least the first bit) out.

Gordon Freeman shakes his hands and takes a deep breath, trying to wrack up the courage to enter Captain Darnold's office. Gordon had joined Black Mesa Science Corp a year ago, having been assigned to the ship The Halvaris, and really, things were going well. Sure, here being a theoretical physicist meant practically nothing (though his student loan debt strongly disagreed) and he was mainly assigned to grunt work, but Gordon had actually made some friends and rumour has it he was being looked at for a promotion!

But somehow this visit didn't seem like he was being promoted. The secretary, Stong, had seemed nervous. And that made Gordon very nervous.

With one more deep breath Gordon wipes his sweaty palms on his pants and opens the door.

"Where's the cat, Gordon?" Captain Darnold asks, tone serious. He sits hunched over his blocky desk, hands clasped together. His uniform's jacket laying over the back of the chair.

Gordon froze.

"Sir?" Gordon asks meekly. God, he'd waited too long to respond, hadn't he? Gordon straightens his posture before realizing he looked silly as Darnold was sitting down so he lowers his gaze and oh- the captain was mad. Very, very mad.

"The cat, Gordon! The cat! I know you have one, it's all over the Stellarweb!"

As if to accentuate his point Darnold furiously waves around the data pad on his desk with the incriminating photo.

Oh smeg. Because Gordon did have a cat- and that was very against the rules. Gordon had a cat named Hevarti Cheese (whom he affectionately called Hev), and now he was caught.

Gordon had picked up Hevarti Cheese while he was laid over on Titan and had noticed a stray cat lying in an H.E.V. helmet. Sure, he knew having a cat on the ship was a severe rule violation, and he knew it could be dangerous, but one look into those little kitty eyes and Gordon was sunk. But there was one thing Gordon didn't know when he had snuck the cat back on board the ship, and that was Havarti Cheese was pregnant. In fact, Hev was about ready to pop any day now.

"Umm.." Gordon started, not that he had anything he could say that could make this situation any better.

Captain Darnold leans back in his chair and rubs his temples.

"I can't believe you'd do something so stupid as to bring an unquarantined animal on board! I expected better than this from you, Freeman. Bubby, maybe. But you?"

"Sir, this cat and-"

"I don't want to hear it!" Darnold cuts him off, slamming his fist on the desk. "Just tell me where the cat is!"

Gordon rubs along his wrist before looking as directly at the captain as he could manage.

"And what would happen to the cat?" He asks quietly.

"I'll send it down to the boys in biological for dissection then vaporization," Captain Darnold replies coldly.

"No, no!"

Oh smeg, he'd just shouted at a superior. He's just digging himself deeper into trouble isn't he?

Darnold sighs and his face softens.

"Look Gordon, you have a clean record. You're a good employee- you could make it up the ranks! I'll give you a choice: you give me the cat and I'll keep this off the books, or you can go into stasis without pay for the rest of the voyage. Gordon, I'm giving you a chance to save your career, so just make the smart choice."

Gordon knew which choice he had to make.

* * *

"You don't have to do this," Bubby says, laying on the bottom bunk of their shared room.

They watched as Gordon paced around the room, packing his things into boxes for no other reason than to have something to do. Hev groomed herself lazily on the chair.

Dr. Bubby was Gordon's roommate, and surprisingly, his closest friend. They had ended up bunked together as Bubby had complained about every previous roommate, and eventually Black Mesa simply refused to reassign them, giving Gordon the short end of the stick when he was assigned to the Halvaris. While they had a rocky start, the two had become unlikely friends.

Bubby was practically a genius and had been in Black Mesa long before Gordon was even born, but bad behaviour prevented them from rising up the ranks. This suited Bubby just fine as there was a certain etiquette among the higher ups that they were 'too damn old' to care about. Bubby was actually allergic to cats, but to them, breaking a rule this big was respectable, so they kept Gordon's secret. With some antihistamines Gordon paid for, of course.

"Yes, I do," Gordon sighs, setting the box on the table.

"I can take the blame for the cat," Bubby says, sitting up. "It's believable."

Gordon shakes his head, giving Hevarti a scratch behind the ears.

"No, I can't let you get punished for something I did. Bringing an unquarantined animal on board is a serious offence- and when they find out she's pregnant! You'll be kicked out of Black Mesa!"

Gordon picks up Hevarti and holds her out to Bubby.

"Just take the cat and hide her! It's only eighteen months, I'll be out soon enough."

Bubby holds the cat that had been thrust into their arms as far from their face as they could, as though she would tear it off if she could only get close enough.

"Uh..."

"Bubby, please! There isn't much time!" Gordon begs, adding, "Plus you can name the kittens or whatever."

Bubby reluctantly looks at the offending animal on their lap, then back at Gordon.

"Fine."

* * *

"Ever been in stasis before?" Stong asks, far more cheerful than the occasion called for.

Walking down the long grey corridors of the Halvaris, Gordon rubs at his wrist, trying to prevent a panic attack.

"No. Will it hurt?" He asks.

"You won't feel a thing!" Stong assures him. "Time can't penetrate the stasis field, so it won't feel like any time has passed. It'll be just like going to sleep."

With that they arrive at the stasis chamber. Stong opens the heavy steel door and motions for him to step inside.

"Okay, deep breathes," Gordon mumbles to himself.

"See you in eighteen months!" Stong chirps with a wave.

He steps in and the door swings shut. As Gordon waits in the cold, grey chamber for the stasis field to be switched on, for a moment, he feels truly alone.

* * *

"It is now safe to exit the stasis chamber. Welcome back, Gordon Freeman," The steady tones of G-Man, the ship's computer, ring out.

The door to the stasis chamber opens and a white haze fills the hall. Gordon rubs at his eyes, feeling groggy.

"Please continue to room H365 for debriefing," G-Man continues.

"Huh? Already?" Gordon looks around. "What happened? This place is a mess."

Crates and debris litter the floor as Gordon makes his way down the corridor, watched over by monitors showing the disembodied head of G-Man.

G-Man was the ai computer on the Halvaris; he was made with an IQ of six thousand and could run almost everything on the ship. Gordon wasn't really sure why Black Mesa had given all their ships ai with personalities, but it made it easy to feel rather fond of the computer.

"Gordon there's been a bit of an oopsie," G-man says once Gordon reaches room H365- the exam room. "An experiment went wrong, there was a resonance cascade. Everybody's dead, Gordon."

"Don't joke around like that, man." Gordon waves him off.

"I assure you this is no joke. The cascade went off before I could seal the doors. They died instantly."

Gordon's head begins to shake.

"No, no. What about Dr. Birdwell?"

"Everybody's dead, Gordon."

"Casali?"

"Everybody is dead, Gordon."

Desperation seeps into his voice.

"Bubby?"

" _Everybody_ is _dead_. Everybody is dead, _Gordon_."

Gordon's breath quickens and he can feel his heart beating.

"No, this isn't right! I just saw everyone!" He was yelling now.

"I had to wait until radiation reached a safe background level to let you out, Gordon. You've been in stasis a very long time," G-Man explains.

"H-" Gordon would feel better if he could _just_ _get enough air_. "How long?"

"Three million years."

He can't breathe. God, he's sucking air into his lungs but he just can't breathe. He can hear his heart pounding in his head and the world starts to spin.

They sit together in silence. Soon Gordon's chest stops heaving as he leans back in the metal chair he'd practically collapsed into, sweat drying in the ship's cool air.

"I'm three million years in the future, everyone's dead, and I'm alone," Gordon says, barely above a whisper.

"We'll actually..." G-Man starts, and Gordon turns to face the monitor.

"What-" Gordon's cut of by the sound of footsteps, turning his head to face the doorway.

"Hello Gordon."

"Bubby!"

* * *

It's an awkward walk back to bunk room.

Instead of their usual clothes, Bubby is wearing the white and red Black Mesa Science Corp uniform. On their forehead is the telling blue-ish green 'H' and they have a faint, almost iridescent glow to them. But there's something else off Gordon can't quite place.

"Things have really gone to shit now, Gordon," Bubby states flatly.

"You... look different," Gordon says quietly.

"Don't ask."

"So, you're a hologram?" Gordon asks, not really sure what to say.

"Gordon, I'm as dead as a doorknob," Bubby replies. "Cruelly brought back as a spectre to keep you sane, waiting for you to wake up."

"You've been waiting three million years?!"

"Three days."

"Oh, um." Gordon runs his hands along the end of his ponytail. "It's good to see you. I mean, I just saw you a couple hours ago, but I'm glad you're here with me."

Bubby gives him a look. Roughly translated that means 'miss me with that mushy shit'.

"Hologram, huh? So like..." Gordon swipes a hand through Bubby's torso.

"Stop that!"

"Oh wow!" Gordon exclaims. "The hologrammatic projector unit-"

A metallic crash echos through the corridor. The pair rush down the Halvaris's long hallways towards the source of the noise.

A short and scrawny figure picks themselves off the ground, rubbing at a bruise that would surely form on their knee. The hatch of a crawlway lays on the floor beside them. The figure turns to see two people running at them.

"Oh shit."

The figure rears its back, bearing fangs and claws and hisses loudly.

"Oh smeg!" Gorgon yells.

They book it back to the exam room.

* * *

When they reach the room, Gordon sinks to the floor panting. Bubby sits on a chair by the wall, out of non-existent breath.

"G-Man, what was that?!"

G-Man's head reappears on the screen.

"Well Gordon, when the resonance cascade occurred your cat and her kittens were sealed safely inside the hull. They've been breeding there for three million years," G-Man says, as though that would somehow explain everything.

"You're welcome," Bubby remarks. That had been a good hiding place after all.

"'You're welcome'?" G-man scoffs. "You were the one running the experiment that caused the cascade in the first place."

"You what?!" Gordon whips around to face Bubby before shaking his head. "No, no. It's a species evolved from cats? Is that even possible?"

"I mean, we clearly just saw it, Gordon, so yes," says Bubby.

"It's a species of cats, by cats. It's a cat," G-Man confirms.

Footsteps are heard walking up to the doorway, and the three go silent. A figure appears in the doorway, looking about as shocked as the others.

"Hello kitty? Good kitty..." Is all Gordon can manage to say.

* * *

Soon Gordon and Bubby are in their bunk room, watching as this mysterious cat-person cautiously inspects the bowl of Black Mesa standard-issue crisped cereal laid out on the table. Gordon and Bubby stand on the far side of the room, as though any sudden movement and the cat would bolt out the door never to be seen again.

Now that Gordon has gotten a good look at the figure, they really did look like what he imagined a cat-human would look like. They were noticeably shorter than Gordon and looked young- younger than him at least. He had the fangs Gordon was now quite acquainted with but on closer inspection Gordon could see a pair of yellow eyes with slit pupils peeking out from under his knitted hat. Gordon wondered if he might be undernourished, but it was hard to tell under the oversized clothes. 

"I can't believe you right now." Bubby scoffs, arms crossed, eyes red and itchy.

"G-Man said it likes Krispies..." Gordon defends himself, as though this was the only reasonable course of action.

The cat seemed to be satisfied with whatever it was he had concluded, plunging his face directly into the bowl and lapping at the contents with his tongue.

"Ugh," grimaced Bubby. "We're not keeping it."

Gordon ignores them, taking a tentative step forward.

"Hey little guy, you got a name?"

The cat clutches the bowl closer to his chest.

"Benry," He says quietly.

Gordon takes a step back.

"Okay, okay," He says. "Hello Benry, my name's Gordon, and this is-"

"Oh fuck off." Bubby interjects.

"-Bubby." Gordon finishes. He leans over, putting his hands on his knees, aware his size could be intimidating. "Um, are you the only kitty here, Benry? Where are the rest of your little cat friends?"

Benry doesn't look up.

"Good Krispies."

"It doesn't matter, it's not staying," Bubby waves their hand dismissively before muttering. "Who'd even heard of a hologram with allergies.."

"Bubby!" Gordon chastises. "He's coming home with us! Right, Benry?"

Benry looked skeptical.

"More Krispies?" He asks.

"Yeah, we'll get you as much Krispies as you want on earth." Gordon assures him.

Benry shrugs.

"I'll go."

"Gordon it's been three million years!" Bubby cries. "There's probably not an earth to come home to! And if there is, look at what happen to a cat- what have humans evolved into? They're probably a hive-mind of sentient slime by now! We'll seem like ants! We can't be slime, Gordon!"

"I can be slime!" Gordon says, taken aback. "Look we'll deal with it when we get there. G-Man, take us ho-oh hello."

Gordon spins around to face Benry, who was now stood very close to him, empty bowl in hand and looking down at his feet.

"Krispies..."

Bubby groans, rolling their eyes as they wipe their nose.

"Just keep that thing away from me or I'll throw it out the airlock."

"They didn't mean that," Gordon coos. "You can have a little bit more Krispies, okay?"

"You're weak," Bubby retorts.

"...Krispies..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, Darnold is just doing his job. He's responsible for an entire ship and Black Mesa has strict rules for a good reason. He probably wasn't actually going to dissect the cat, he just needed Gordon to realize how serious this was. Darnold is a good captain- just don't to go looking into how he got there. 
> 
> Also It's been a while since I had a panic attack, and I've never had a vasovagal response to one- but I just googled how to spell vasovagal and it turns out you can have one from extreme emotional distress, and I certainly think this counts. Another also but the idea of krispies being labeled as 'crisped cereal' is just very funny to me.
> 
> I posted a few bits of art for this au on my tumblr (energon-with-a-curly-straw) if you're interested. I mainly post sci-fi but it should be under the 'hlvrai Red Dwarf au' tag. I'll be posting more of this au in the future, for maybe keep an eye out.


	2. The Day After the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon distracts himself by adopting the stray cat on their ship, Bubby deals with an (t)issue, and G-Man's processors get overworked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't meant to be a chapter fic, but as I started writing I realised it needed to be. There will be other works in this series that are not part of this linear timeline that are already planned, so I'd recommend subscribing to the series. This fic will be rather domestic, but there will be weird sci-fi shit coming up.
> 
> If you're squicky about germs, there is a part where Gordon and Benry share a glass. Just be aware.

That night it had hit Gordon like a truck. His entire world had changed in the time it took to deactivate the stasis field and things could never go back. Everyone Gordon knew and loved was dead. Sure, G-Man had told him as much, but now it was just starting to sink in.

Things really _had_ gone to shit now.

The clock next to his bunk read 7am. Bubby would already be awake and off doing... actually, Gordon wasn't sure what Bubby was doing. He poured himself his first cup of coffee and got dressed. He felt unsure if he should wear his uniform, the Halvaris crew had always been a bit lax on that rule, but now it felt like he was supposed to. Oh well, the uniform wasn't comfortable, and right now Gordon needed comfort. Or at least a good distraction. Sweatpants it was.

There was lots to do; debris littered the ship that could take years to clean up (Gordon tried not to think too much on that), and some floors were entirely inhabitable. G-Man had a somewhat reliable inventory on supplies, so at least he didn't need to do that.

Maybe he should check on Benry.

Gordon hadn't gotten any answers out of the cat yesterday, but he was pretty sure Benry was alone. Gordon had a lot of questions about the cat race- how they lived, where they went. He remembered how difficult it was to even get Benry to the bunk room and tempered his expectations. Gordon would work on getting Benry to warm up to him first.

As Gordon ate breakfast he read an article caring for the stray cat in your neighbourhood. He figured that was close enough.

* * *

The problem with being a hologram was not so much that you were dead, but that you couldn’t touch anything. This made everything Bubby did ten times harder than it needed to be.

G-Man had sent up some headcrabs to assist them, but Bubby was starting to think they were more trouble than they're worth. Headcrabs were little robots made to assist in tasks around the ship. Supposedly called that because they looked like someone stuck a head on a crab, Bubby thought they looked more like animatronic spiders. They moved slowly and were clumsy. Plus, they had to be continuously told what to do. It was agonizing.

Bubby went back to going over their holographic files on system. With the extended exposure to radiation, their imaging files had been corrupted; the system had run a self-repair program but it could only do so much. Most of the files could be restored, but there were little things that had been rewritten, and that bothered Bubby. It bothered Bubby a lot. They just needed something to fix their appearance.

Or at least stop the allergies.

Bubby didn't know how they hadn't noticed it before. The entire ship reeked of cats. Their throat was sore and their eyes were itchy. Plus Bubby's nose was so stuffy G-Man had to create an infinite box of hologrammatic tissues.

They couldn't even take allergy medication now; their hand would pass right through the box. Even if the headcrabs could manage the fine motor skills needed to open the package and pop out a pill, Bubby imagined it would just drop straight through their mouth and onto the floor.

And Gordon seemed too attached to that cat-person to let them throw it out an airlock. Not that it would help- the ship was already filled with the allergy-producing proteins found in the cat's dandruff, hair, and saliva.

Yeah, they needed to deal with the allergies first.

"G-Man!" Bubby called out.

The computers face appeared on the monitors.

"What is it now? You know I am a bit busy at the moment- turning around at near-lightspeed takes some time."

"I need something to fix these allergies! What's the point of programming them into a hologram, anyway?"

"I believe it's for the added realism," G-Man mused. "But it is bothering me. I'll see what I can do."

Bubby raised an eyebrow.

"Have you figured anything out about fixing my files?"

"No, I've been busy turning around at near-lightspeed."

"Have you even looked into it?" Bubby questioned pointedly.

"No, I've been busy turning around at near-lightspeed," G-Man repeated. "You are not supposed to be bothered by this."

"Well, I'm bothered by it!" Bubby huffed, throwing their hands in the air. "It's an absolute shit show! My eyes are two different colours- both of them wrong! I keep cutting myself on my canines! I can't twist my right forearm back and to the left without my image fizzling out-"

"Your arms are too long."

"My arms are too lo- my arms too long?" Bubby reeled back.

"Oh. You hadn't noticed that one yet," G-Man stated monotonously. "Look, your eyes are simply the blue and green that were already there, now they're just separated. It's very subtle, Gordon hasn't even noticed, right?"

Bubby rolled the mismatched eyes in question.

"Gordon is the last person who'd notice the colour of my eyes."

Well, they got G-Man there.

"I did what I could on the teeth and hands, but you have to understand all the crew’s holographic imaging files were corrupted. There wasn't much to pull from. As for the fizzling, the human body wasn't meant to move that way in the first place. You're left handed- just don't do that."

Bubby frowned. They knew all the files were badly damaged, but they were still upset about it.

"It's normal to feel upset," G-Man followed up. "Actually, it's not. I have absolutely no clue why you're feeling any distress. I've checked my records and this has never happened to a hologram before.

"I'll grant you clearance for all the locked holographic files- but if you fuck yourself over I can't guarantee I can fix you. I'll work on something for the allergies, but I am busy so just stay away from Benry for now."

"Oh, not a problem," Bubby huffed as G-Man's visage disappeared.

“‘Fuck myself over'? Who taught the computer to swear?"

* * *

The first problem with Gordon's plan was that he actually didn't know where Benry was. The Halvaris was big and when they'd met Benry he'd come out of a crawlway. The crawlways were sprawled throughout the entire ship- Benry could literally be anywhere. Plus the crawlways always made Gordon a bit claustrophobic.

It occurred to him that G-Man could monitor the location and vitals of every member of the crew. Maybe that protocol was still running?

"G-Man?" Gordon called out.

“Fresco on a cracker, I'm just available for everyone to bother, am I?"

Okay, that was new. G-Man had always been a bit quirky, but never rude.

"Um," Gordon started, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Do you know where Benry is? I was just, I mean I-"

"Hold on, give me a minute," G-man interrupted, blinking out of the screen before returning. "He's in section G, deck 26."

"Thanks," Gordon said, but G-Man was already gone

At least Benry was relatively close. The article had recommended checking if the stray cat was chipped and vaccinated, but Gordon felt that part wasn't relevant to his situation- he would at least give a quick check on Benry's health while he was there.

Gordon took the lift to G26. This floor had a small room designed for giving video presentations, but the crew of the Halvaris had turned it into a movie theatre. This is where Benry was most likely to be.

He poked his head into dark theatre, but it was empty. This might be harder than he initially thought.

Well, if Benry was a cat, how did you call a cat?

The idea of making kissie noises at someone Gordon just met seemed undignified, so he rubbed his thumb and foremost fingers together.

"Pspspsps," he went.

Nothing. It was a silly idea; Benry could be anywhere on this floor.

As Gordon turned to exit the viewing room he bumped his chest into something- something short.

Benry yowled, clearly not expecting to see him there (although Gordon wondered how the cat didn't see him- he was a big guy, after all).

"Benry! I was looking for you!" Exclaimed Gordon rather loudly. He moved to clasp a hand on the cat’s shoulder.

Benry, clearly startled, swatted his unsheathed claws at Gordon's arm before taking off down the corridor.

Okay, he probably deserved that. Gordon checked his arm- a minor scratch, barely drawing blood. He'd put a bandage on it when he got back to his room. He should also get G-Man to check it for anything that could be dangerous- but maybe he'd wait until the computer was a bit less cranky.

* * *

In the now unrestricted hologram files was a lot of data. Too much data. It made Bubby's head spin and for the first time in their life (and death) regret not going into programming. Bubby had absolutely no idea what they were doing, what they were looking for, and how to find it.

Chewing on the end of their glasses (one of the few things they could actually touch), Bubby was starting to think not seeing the screen was better. Absolutely nothing was organized and most of it was corrupted. It was a miracle G-Man could run their program at all.

Speaking of G-Man, the computer's face blinked on the screen again.

"I've got something," he announced.

"Already?" Asked Bubby. "Weren't you busy turning the ship or something?"

"Yes, but your sniffles were annoying me. We've been going in circles this whole time."

Bubby pinched the bridge of their nose.

"What is it? A programming patch? Did you delete the allergy subroutines?"

"A hologrammatic allergy shot."

"An allergy shot? What would- Ow! That hurt!" Bubby rubbed at where they had felt a needle, but hadn't visibly seen one.

"Chin up, it's just a prick. Don't be a baby."

"What is with you?" Bubby asked, getting annoyed. "You've been acting strange since you booted me up. Plus you fucking swore at me, you little shit!"

G-man paused, lips pulled thin.

"The strain on my processors has been... taxing. Additionally, I have been online and alone for three million years; I have gotten used to saying whatever I think. I think perhaps I am a bit gone."

"Well, I certainly hope not. You are in charge of _everything_ ," said Bubby, a bit concerned. "Hey, I can breathe again!"

G-Man looked as closed to pleased as they’d ever seen. Which was a vaguely upturned set of eyebrows.

"Do call me if you start turning purple and orange, I'd hate to have to reboot you again."

Now Bubby wasn't sure if he was joking.

* * *

It seemed imprudent to chase Benry down, and that would only make him more wary of Gordon. No- Gordon needed Benry to come to him.

Gordon used to feed Hev bits of chicken whenever they’d had it for dinner, and she’d always try to beg Bubby for some of theirs. Food had worked with Benry before, so this was a good shot. Plus, Gordon wasn't sure how much Benry had been eating with the way the cat had torn through the box of krispies- and that worried him.

Gordon flipped through the inventory manifest. He'd been hoping to find roast chicken, but those were in the storage hold that had yet to be cleared. There was chicken nuggets, though, and Gordon supposed those were close enough.

Gordon placed two chicken nuggets on a plate- breaking one open to show they were chicken inside- or at least under the interplanetary food regulations it was considered chicken. He placed the plate a few meters from the bunk room and waited. The point was to introduce Benry to the idea that there was food- some positive reinforcement. Gordon ignored the urge to watch and see if the cat took the nuggets, instead drinking another coffee and going over his plan.

When Gordon checked on the plate twenty minutes later, the nuggets were gone.

Success.

Gordon put down two more nuggets, but this time placed the plate right next to the door to the bunk room. This time it only took ten minutes. Gordon had the door closed, so he didn't actually see Benry- actually, he didn't hear Benry either. But even alive Bubby would never touch a chicken nugget, and headcrabs made noise when they walked, so he was pretty sure it must be Benry.

Or they were self-erasing chicken nuggets. Which, given Black Mesa's somewhat unusual experiments, was not entirely out of the question.

He gave out three chicken nuggets now, just to up the enticement and placed the plate back outside the door, but this time kept it open. Gordon didn't want to be too close in case he scared Benry off again, so he climbed back into his bunk and waited. At least he could go over the damage reports now.

It took forty minutes. He was currently on 'system failures in section F levels 15-30' when out of the corner of his eye Gordon saw a sleeved hand reach out from behind the door frame and snatch the chicken nuggets like a thief swiping a priceless gem. Gordon sat up to get a better view but it seemed Benry was already gone. He'd add stealth to his list of questions to ask about.

Gordon dumped the rest of the nuggets on the plate, placing it on the table. He wasn't sure if Benry would come in, but it was worth a short- it's not like he was going to eat the nuggets. Gordon sat in the second chair by the sink (he guessed Bubby had moved it there while he was in stasis- it didn't really make sense to have both chairs at the table when there was only one occupant) and went back to the reports.

This time it was fifty minutes later. Gordon was just getting to 'damages in computer hardware' and was starting to think putting the nuggets in the room was too bold, when he noticed a short figure creeping by the edge of the door. They were looking at Gordon.

"You can come in," Gordon said, trying to be as gentle as possible. He didn't know how long Benry had been standing there.

Benry looked unsure.

"It's more chicken nuggets," Gordon says, although he was sure Benry already knew. "Um, I'll be here, reading my report."

The cat waited until Gordon went back to reading before slinking towards the table, sitting in the chair, and start shovelling the remaining nuggets into his mouth.

Yeah, he'd been hungry. Gordon was right about that. Actually, Gordon was starting to get hungry too.

"I'm going to get something to eat," Gordon said quietly, trying not to startle him. "Do you want something to drink?"

Benry hesitated before quickly shaking his head 'no'. He pulled his body in as Gordon walked past, giving the cat a wide birth.

Gordon came back from the meal dispenser holding a salad with dried cranberries, pumpkin seeds, and grilled tofu. He also carried a tall glass of grape juice. He set his meal down and slowly pulled the other chair up to the table.

Benry watched him like a hawk, shifting in his seat. He glanced over at the remaining nuggets as Gordon very slowly sat at the farthest part of the table, as though evaluating if he could get them all in his mouth before he bolted. But the cat didn't run, which was a good sign.

Gordon picked up the drink and gave an exaggerated performance of drinking out of the glass.

"Mmm. Good juice," he said, although he actually found grape juice too sweet for his taste. "Are you sure you don't want any?"

Benry looked conflicted. But as Gordon held out the glass he tentatively took it between his hands, examining it throughly. He gave it a sniff before cautiously sticking his tongue in the purple liquid.

Ah. Gordon didn't know what he'd expected. He watched as Benry started to lap at the drink. Maybe he should have looked for a juice box instead.

"I can put it in a bowl," he said, but the cat just pulled the glass closer.

"I could get a bowl for you to put it in?" He tried. "Or you could drink it like this?"

He mimed drinking out of the glass. Benry gave him a look he couldn't decipher, so he got out a bowl and placed it on the table. He'd let the cat decide what to do when the juice became too low to lap.

They sat like that in silence. With questions Gordon so desperately wanted to ask, but knowing anything could set the cat off.

After Benry finished his juice he was gone, and Gordon still wasn't sure if he'd see him again.

* * *

Bubby returned to the bunk room at eight. Gordon greeted him from the small loveseat by the door, reading a data pad.

"Have a productive day?" He asked, part of their nightly routine before the incident. "Learn anything new?"

"Yes," sighed Bubby. "I learned a lot of things, actually. Too many things."

"Oh," said Gordon. "Want to talk about it?"

"No."

Bubby rarely did, but Gordon always made sure to check.

"I had a productive day, I think," Gordon said unprompted, knowing Bubby wasn't one to ask. "Um, I know you usually read before bed... I could set up an audio book? Or I could, like, read to you?"

Bubby physically grimaced at that one.

"No. It's been a long day, I'm going to turn in early. Do what you want."

"Hey, Bubby?" Gordon asked, not looking up from his data pad.

"Yes, Gordon?" They sighed.

"Did you know the computer sustained some damage? Do you think-"

"He's fine!” Yelled Bubby.

They couldn’t give Gordon another thing to worry about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gordon not dealing with his grief by jumping right into a new project? It's more likely than you think. Gordon is a very tactile person, he just so happens to now live with some very un-touchy people. Although he may come to regret his decision...
> 
> Oh, and I do mean the entire time G-Man was working on inventing and programming an allergy shot the ship was completely stalled, doing barrel rolls. The others never noticed- artificial gravity and all. Just a bit of minor data input for Bubby's Light Bee. Also Bubby falls asleep right at nine on the dot every night- they're usually getting ready for bed as Gordon's getting ready to go out.
> 
> One more thing, I'm pretty sure giving grapes to cats is bad, so please don't give them grape juice. But if you need to get a stray cat to drink, pretending to drink it yourself does work.


	3. Not All Cats Land On Their Feet (Nor Should They)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benry takes a tumble, turning the ship around has hit a bit of a snag, and our two boys bond over video games.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a teeny bit of blood in this one. Just remember, in the end, everything will always be fine. At least with this story.

There was something off about these so-called humans living on his ship. Sure, Benry knew there had been a species of people known as humans that had lived in the long, long ago- that's where all the stuff had come from- but they were long gone. Everyone was gone now.

Benry rose from his pile of blankets and pillows. He had nests all over the ship- ideal for scavenging. Being a cat meant napping 8 or 9 times a day, and making the trek down to the outskirts of Cat City took two weeks through the ship’s inner workings.

There was the mean one and the nice one- and they were both ridiculously tall. The mean one (Bambi?) almost looked like a cat, but they smelled wrong. They didn't smell like the nice one, either. It was weird.

The nice one (Demogorgon?) was loud, but he had food. And he had food he was willing to _share_ \- that was all that mattered. Soon these humans would leave too. They could come from a whole other dimension for all Benry cared.

Benry crawled along an air passageway. The ship was quiet today. The alleged humans had started going out further and further, their scent leaving a confusing wake making it hard to pinpoint exactly where they were. It was really starting to mess up his scent maps. He took another few strides and-

**Crash!**

The bottom of the air passage gave out, old and dilapidated, under his weight. Benry landed unceremoniously in a heap of broken crates and debris. Pokey bits rode up his pant leg and scratched at his calf.

He shouldn't have gone this way; the air vents weren't as sturdy as the crawlways. He had known this section was falling apart, why had he gone this way? Right, it was faster and he could avoid the humans.

At least no one had seen him.

"Benry!"

Oh, major cringe. A big ass ship and this is where he fell?

The cat turned to see one of the 'humans' rushing to his side. At least it was the nice human.

"Oh smeg, are you okay? You fell through the ceiling!"

He was aware.

"S'fine," Benry mumbled into the neck of his hoodie. "All good."

The nice human (he should really learn their name) pulled him out of the mess of rubble and got him on his feet. A hot pain burst through his right ankle. Benry bit back a mewl but it was too late, the human had already seen the look on his face.

"That looks like it hurts. Come on, let's go back to the bunkroom and I'll put something on it. Or at least check it's not broken."

The human didn't wait for an answer before placing the cat’s arm over their shoulder. The two made their way awkwardly down the hall to the lift. The human was a good head taller than Benry, now scrunched over to help mitigate the height difference. Honestly, Benry had expected to be picked up and slung over the human's shoulder like a full scavenging sack. At least that way he wouldn’t feel like his arm was about to be ripped off.

A five minute lift had never seemed so long. And it wasn’t even as if Benry could run if he needed to. He was stuck, injured and weakened, with a being he knew nothing about. And now he was being taken to the being’s nestroom, probably to be eaten- that was why it had been feeding him, right? To fatten him up? Have a tasty kitty nibble?

Stepping off the lift, Benry tried to see if he could put any more weight on the foot- this would be the only chance to escape before reaching the nestroom.

No luck. The pain was excruciating.

The human helped him up onto the cold metal table of the bunkroom. The cat ran his tongue along his fangs. He could still bite and scratch if he needed to- if things went bad.

“Hey,” the human said, trying to be as gentle yet firm as possible. “I need to look at your ankle. This might hurt, okay?”

The human glanced around the room before grabbing a pillow off the top bunk.

“You can hold this, um, if you want to.”

They sat down on the metal chair and began slowly rolling up Benry’s ill-fitting jeans. Claws sunk into the pillows as hands delicately felt around his sore ankle. Benry watched him like a hawk, waiting for him to make a move- maybe he’d just snap the entire leg in half with some unbelievable strength.

“Well, Benry,” the human said content, pulling his hands back. “It’s not broken; it’s likely just twisted from the fall. I’ll get some ice to put on it and it’ll need to stay elevated, but it’ll be fine. Maybe just sore for a couple days.”

Wasn’t being elevated what caused the problem in the first place? And not being able to handle the pain of something that wasn’t even broken? What a cringe-ass baby.

“I still want to take a look at your leg,” the human continued, holding up a forefinger. “I’ll be right back, Benry. Stay here.”

It wasn’t exactly like he could leave.

The cat watched as they left the room, only to return moments later holding a rectangular box and a white bag. They wrapped the bag in a towel and handed it to Benry- it was cold and full of little rounds things. He was pretty sure the box said ‘First-Aid’, which meant it was full of medical supplies.

Medical supplies only meant bad things.

“Okay, Benry,” the human sat back down. “I’m just going to clean and bandage those scratches. It might sting a tiny bit, but, uh, that’s what the pillow’s for.”

The human seemed to really like saying his name. Man, he _really_ needed to learn theirs.

His jeans were rolled up to his knees, revealing several small scratches, a few bruises starting to form, as well as an older bruise that had already started to heal. A few beads of blood ran from some of the deeper cuts, and the human blotted them with a cloth. Benry clutched the pillow tightly to his chest, but the stinging wasn’t as bad as he’d expected. The human began placing the little stickers on his legs- he didn’t think he’d seen those since he was a kitten.

Benry took a moment to really look at the man in front of him, drawing his attention away from the hands. Besides just being intimidatingly large in stature, the human had long curly fur that had been tied in the back, with strands that had broken free that the human tucked and retucked behind their ears- seemingly bother by them, but not enough to do something about it. He had short fur along the lower part of his face, vaguely stirring something in the far reaches of the cat’s mind. On his eyes he wore something Benry had forgotten the name of, but he knew it had something to do with vision. It was probably related to their fucked up pupils.

Somehow they didn’t look like a monstrous being that ate up little kittens.

* * *

At the beginning of the Halvaris's voyage, G-Man could run the ship, preform advanced computer simulations, and discuss various scientific theories with several people at once without issue. Now the system was just sad.

Bubby sat in the technical room. They'd hit a bit of a snag in the plan to turn the ship around- apparently some systems has been disconnected, and the damage to the **Damage-Assessment Alert Program** meant this had been undetected until now. It made the hologram wonder what else was broken.

Maybe the ship wasn’t even in deep space? With the way things were going they could be stuck in Jupiter’s Ship Repair drive-through and not even realize it. A captain of a little E-Class cruiser was probably yelling at them this very moment.

While Bubby couldn't directly touch anything, they could direct the headcrabs- that would at least save some of G-Man's CPU to work elsewhere. The little robots whirled around the room; wires needed to taken out and reconnected, parts swapped. Bubby looked through the readout of the ship's systems. Apparently the hologram files weren't the only mess on board.

"Half of these processor units aren't even connected! And where is all this power even going?" Bubby yelled up towards the blank monitors.

G-Man's face appeared.

"This is intentional. Stick to the tasks I gave you." He titled his head slightly to the side. "Why are you looking at this?"

"Just trying to find something that could save us a bit of power."

"Running and projecting your holographic program is taking up a third of my power, if you're looking for... suggestions."

"Oh, haha," Bubby rolled their eyes, but not out of any real annoyance. "Just be sure to save before you quit."

G-Man struck an amused tone.

"What makes you think I haven't made that mistake before?"

Bubby gave a chuckle before catching a glimpse of themselves in the screen’s reflection. The hologram frowned and wrinkled their nose.

G-Man's expression softened.

"You look fine."

Bubby pressed a palm against their forehead, not wanting to talk about it.

A headcrab returned successful from its mission on retrieving a replacement cable. They didn’t ask where it had come from; they weren’t sure they wanted to know.

"How's Gordon?" G-man asked.

"Uh, fine, I guess?"

“Has he not been having nightmares?”

“I don’t know!” Bubby threw up their hands. “Why do _you_ know that?”

G-Man frowned.

"He has been through a lot. You should be with him."

Bubby gave him a look, pausing from directing the little robots.

"I'm here because you asked me to be here! Besides," they crossed their arms with a huff. "He's been hanging around with that cat. He's fine."

"Mhm," a disembodied hand moved up to meet the computer's chin. "And this bothers you?"

"Oh no, we are not having some kind of hologrammatic therapy session! And aren't you supposed to be _‘so terribly busy’_?" Bubby gave passive aggressive air quotes.

They crossed their legs and leaned back in the chair. Well, technically, they were sitting just above the chair, and it would have looked better if the chair had leaned back at all, but the meaning was there.

The now replaced cable, apparently faulty, began to crackle and spark.

G-Man just waited, that slightly smug look still ever-present on his face.

The sparks ignite the cord into flames. A thin stream of smoke pours out of the socket.

"Oh dear," G-Man frowned. "It seems there's a small electrical fire. Could you?"

"Yeah," Bubby sighed in disbelief. "I'll deal with it."

This was going to take longer than they thought.

* * *

Gordon watched as the cat chewed absentmindedly on the ends on their hoodie strings. He’d managed to bandage up Benry and only his pillow seemed worse for ware. Which was fine, he could replace it. The important thing was Benry’s ankle wasn’t broken, and he didn’t get scratched!

But now he wasn’t really sure what to do. It wasn’t broken, but it was still twisted, so he didn’t really want the cat walking on it. He didn’t want to just take Benry to where he’d found him and leave him there either, but he was done tending to the wounds and soon Benry would notice he didn’t need to be there anymore.

“How’s that?” He asked, straightening his posture with a content clap on his thighs.

Benry looked up, snapping back to attention.

“Um... s’good,” he mumbled, string still in his mouth.

Gordon tucked everything neatly back into the first-aid kit, and unrolled the cat’s pant legs. The jeans were not unscathed; little rips and holes- not all attributed to the fall- and dots of drying blood ran along its length.

“I was just about to do laundry!” Gordon said aloud, surprising even himself. “I can wash them! Your clothes, I mean. I can wash your clothes. With mine. With the laundry I was about to do.”

It was a lie, but now that he thought about it, Gordon should probably do laundry. Somehow three million years doesn’t keep everything Downy fresh.

The cat gave a face that reminded him of the time he’d suggested to Bubby that they watch Love Actually for movie night. This would be a hard sell- he’d already given up on trying to get Benry to take a painkiller.

“Your pants are covered in blood. I can give you something to wear. Just while your clothes are being washed. It’s no extra work to throw them in with mine.”

Gordon was on a roll. He knew there was a brain in there somewhere.

It didn’t seem like the cat was going to respond. He started rummaging through the dresser drawers.

“There’s a bathroom right there. I’ll help you over.”

Before Benry could respond, Gordon pulled out a pair of pyjama shorts. He grabbed one of his t-shirts before thinking better and taking one of Bubby’s. He could deal with his irritated roommate later. He practically shoved the clothes in the cat’s hands and slung his arm around the younger man, quickly ushering him across the room to the little ensuite.

He wasn’t giving Benry much choice in the matter, but he knew letting the cat be by himself would only end up making the injuries worse.

Gordon started gathering up the laundry he would wash in a little basket. He threw in some of Bubby’s clothes as well, just a few of their favourites. They didn’t need to be washed- they couldn’t be worn- but Gordon thought the familiarity might be comforting to the hologram.

Benry finally emerged from the bathroom. The shorts were far too large and the t-shirt reached mid-thigh, but that didn’t seem to bother the cat.

Gordon made a mental note to find Benry some clothes that fit.

The cat leaned on the doorframe, injured foot in the air. He held his clothes tightly in his arms.

Gordon held out the laundry basket.

“They will be very safe with me,” he reassured him.

Benry reluctantly placed everything but his hat alongside the other clothes.

Gordon helped him over to the loveseat. Benry had been rather bundled up before, was he cold? Gordon grabbed a spare blanket out of the storage locker, tossing it to the cat before grabbing the basket and heading out the door towards the floor’s laundry facility.

Laundry facilities were available on every habitat floor. With only four sets of washers and dryers per floor, residents had to schedule in their usage. While it had usually been Gordon’s job to pencil in their spot, on particularly busy weeks, Bubby had been known to launder their clothes ‘whenever they damn well felt like it’. Needless to say, the two were not well liked by their neighbours. High ranking officials had their own machines in their living quarters. They also weren’t required to have roommates.

Only one set of washers and dryers now worked. The rest had been stripped for parts- likely by the headcrabs. Gordon was glad there was any detergent left in the dispenser at all. Seeing a place he was so familiar with turned to wreckage gave him an uncomfortable feeling inside. He hurried back to the bunk room.

Thankfully, Benry was still there, laying curled up on the small couch, now wrapped in the blanket. He fiddled with the edges and seemed... sad? He seemed a bit sad.

“Do you want to do something?” Gordon asked. “We could, um...”

He racked his brain for something. Cards was out, he didn’t know where the decks were. Benry didn’t seem like the type to enjoy an audiobook on the early life of Niels Bohr. What did he do with his friends before joining the Black Mesa Science Corp?

“I think some of my video games might still work?”

Benry’s eyes lit up at that one.

Yes, Gordon Freeman was well and truly a nerd. While at MIT studying to become a theoretical physicist, he had joined the gaming club. The club was comparatively small- its members were greatly outnumbered by the larger, more notable clubs such as: the Science Fiction Society, the Laboratory for Chocolate Science, a few improv groups, and even the unfortunately named Outing Club (a group based on enjoying the outdoors, even owning their own cabins)- but almost all of Gordon’s university friends came from the gaming club.

He pulled the tv on wheels out of the corner and set it in front of the loveseat, plugging in cables. He wasn’t sure what kind of games Benry would like, so he just left what was already in- a remake of a remake of an old platformer. Apparently the original had been highly popular when it came out (at least according to his old MIT buddies), but he’d never heard of it.

While the console booted up, Gordon grabbed a bag of **Black Mesa Ship-Issue Fun Snack Mix** from the vending machine outside. It was like the **Fritos Munchies Snack Mix(tm)** , but infinitely more boring (and significantly less trademarked). He liked the Ring-Shaped Corn-Snacks, though.

Gordon placed the open bag between the two of them and sat on the floor in front of the loveseat. They took turns passing the controller between them. While he had been fully expecting to have to explain everything from what a video game was to how to play, Benry had been amazing at it. The cat was fully immersed, eating between turns- finally starting to relax. But him?

“Dude, you kinda suck at this,” Benry didn’t take his eyes off the screen while he made this very astute observation.

It was possibly the most he’d ever said to Gordon, even it was still a bit mumbled.

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I’m not good at platformers. You’re pretty good, you play a lot of games before?”

A long pause. The cat seemed conflicted again.

“Yeah,” Benry rubbed the edge of the blanket between his fingers. “Sometimes I’m allowed to play in the room with the big screen.”

Gordon handed him back the controller. He was a bit confused, that didn’t really seem like something G-Man would do, but what did he know? Three million years can really change a person. Or computer.

But that aside, Benry was talking and it felt like he was finally making progress! Gordon just needed Benry to _keep_ talking.

“What kinds of games do you play?”

He made sure to keep eyes on the tv while he talked, lest looking at the cat cause him to go quiet again.

“Mm... Everything. Platformers, racing, RPGs.”

“Cool. I usually play MMOs.”

Benry looked a bit perplexed.

“Um,” Gordon started to explain. “It’s like a game, but you play it with a bunch of people? It’s a bunch of people playing it at once. They’re doing their own thing, but like, together.”

Right. It would make sense there were no more MMOs.

“What’s your favourite game?” He asked, trying to keep the conversation going.

On the screen, Benry’s character paused for a moment.

“Heavenly Sword. But it doesn’t work anymore. Major cringe.”

Heavenly Sword? Wasn’t that some God of War rip-off? Who on the ship had owned that? Gordon didn’t even register the last part of the sentence.

“That sucks, man.”

“Yeah. Big ole rocks tossing the ship around like Mighty Beanz. Battle of the dragon force. Super unpoggers. Had to noclip through the shadow realm with sand attack.”

What? It hadn’t occurred to Gordon that the cat people would have their own dialect. In retrospect, that made perfect sense.

“Uh, yeah..” Gordon let out a nervous laugh. He knew most of those words- he didn’t know what they meant together.

Out the corner of his eye, Gordon could see Benry getting sleepier and sleepier. Eyelids, now heavy, blinked slow across yellow irises. His head rested on the blue cushion of the loveseat.

Gordon got up slowly and quietly.

“I’m going to move the laundry along,” he whispered. “Are you sure you don’t want any painkillers?”

Benry gave a little shake of the head.

When Gordon returned to the bunkroom, Benry was fast asleep. The game was paused and he gently took the controller from cat’s hands, placing it by the tv. Gordon took the bag of Peas, Carrots, and Corn Medley off Benry’s ankle. It had mostly defrosted by now, but maybe he could save it if they ever needed an icepack again in the future. He’d look to see if the medical bay had any of those gel ones tomorrow.

Benry could sleep here tonight.

That night Gordon dreamed of games and cats and Hevarti Cheese, and finally slept soundly till morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do love me some good, good setup. It's gonna start getting confusing, baby!
> 
> Turns out MIT has some really interesting clubs. The Laboratory for Chocolate Science orders over 500 pounds of chocolate a year!


	4. Future Echoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Gordon and company prepare to go into stasis, reality gets a bit wonky, and G-Man and the author both suffer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done! It's finally done! The most visual episode of Red Dwarf! I tried to stay closer to the original material than I normally would, just because it's so damn complicated. 
> 
> There's a small amount of blood in this one because I guess we're 3 of 4 in that regard. And that's only because Gordon was in stasis when the cascade went off. I'll try not to make it a habit.

Gordon sleeping peacefully through till morning had only been technically accurate. 

Gordon awoke at precisely 6:01:35 to the sound of a resounding:

**"What the fuck?!"**

Bubby had apparently been sent back to the bunkroom around 3am after they'd started dozing on the computer console. Things had been mostly repaired at this point and G-Man could handle the rest. Bubby had immediately crashed into bed without even having G-Man change their uniform into some night clothes (just something they'd recently learned they could do- it was all standard issue clothing, but still, it was something!). 

At 6am, had Bubby woken up at their usual time, stretched, got up, and then noticed the mess of blanket on the loveseat. Putting glasses on they noticed the blanket had a head. The hologram had walked over to the loveseat to get a better look.

“What the fuck?!”

_It was that cat! The damn cat was in their room!_

Benry had shot up. The blanket had caught on his earring ( _ah shit, he’d fallen asleep with them in again_ ), pulling it up with him. 

There had been a fight. Or at least a one-sided yelling match. ( _“Gordon! Agh, Gordon, he’s wearing my shirt!”_ ) Benry had apparently put any fears of being eaten aside to roll over and promptly fell back asleep. A temporary peace was negotiated. 

Which led to where we were now- with Gordon packing. 

G-Man had predicted they would hit light-speed tomorrow. He and Benry would need to be put into stasis for safety, but that got Gordon thinking: why not just stay in stasis for the whole trip? 

Everything would be okay once they reached Earth. It would be him and Bubby and Benry. They’d live together in a two-story home with bay windows and red shutters and a large yard with green grass and a vegetable garden. Hell, they’d probably cured death by now! Bubby would be alive and the crew would be fine and everything would be right again. They just needed to reach Earth.

Gordon rummaged through the drawers.

“Oh, Gertrude! Look at you!”

He picked up the little animatronic bird. Gordon had been given it as a gift when he was assigned to Halvaris, knowing no pets were allowed on board. After 3 million years, it was out of power. They just didn’t make batteries like they used to.

“There you go,” Said Gordon, slipping in fresh double A. “Good as new.”

Benry yawned and stretched. Gordon set the bird on the dresser.

“You’re up. Again,” he said. “You want breakfast? Again?”

The cat nodded. 

Gordon poured out a bowl of krispies and put on a pot of coffee. He got out a mug for himself, then one for Benry, before seeing a very clear image in his mind of the cat burning his tongue. He put the second mug back. 

“How’s your ankle?” Gordon asked, sitting down at the table. 

“Mmh,” Benry rubbed at his eyes. “Still hurwts. Noht as bad.”

“That’s good.”

Gordon ignored that the cat was face-down in the bowl.

“Do you want any painkillers?”

“No.” 

Gordon swirled the spoon in his coffee.

“We have to go into stasis tonight. I need you to pack up only the things you can’t leave behind, and meet me back here in a few hours.”

“Dude, I can barely walk. How am I going to do that?”

“Look, I have a few things I need to do, then I can help you get your stuff,” Gordon downed the rest of his drink. “Are you _sure_ you don’t want a painkiller?”

"No, why would I want any 'painful killers'?"

That's... that's not...

No, that was on Gordon. He should have thought about what he was saying- been more careful about the words he used. 

"No, no. They're called painkillers because they _kill pain_. Do you want to take something to help with the pain?"

"Oh. Yes."

* * *

Freshly showered and dressed, Gordon stood in front of the sink mirror. He hadn’t shaved since first coming out of stasis, and wanted to clean up the edges of his beard. The human had just applied shaving cream and picked up his razor when-

**Boom!**

The entire ship rumbled. Gordon gripped the edge of the sink to keep from falling over, but the Halvaris soon steadied out.

“G-Man!” He called out. 

G-Man’s face appeared on the monitor. He looked frazzled: computer generated hair was mussed, graphics pixelated in and out of focus. 

“I can’t do it.”

“What?” Gordon put the razor down. “G-Man, what’s going on? What was that boom?”

“Gordon, it seems we’ve broken the light-speed barrier ahead of schedule,” the simulated voice was strained.

“Is... is everyone alright?”

This... this could be bad.

“Everyone is in working order. But Gordon, I can’t do it. I can’t navigate like this.”

“No, no. G-Man, you have an IQ of 6 thousand, you can do this! G-Man, you _have_ to do this.”

The computer’s head began to shake.

“We are travelling at the speed of light. By the time an object shows up on my sensors, we have already passed it. Oh my, that one was cutting it rather close.”

“Um, is there anything I can do to help?”

“There is noth-“ the computer gasped. His sensors showed they had just gone through a planet. G-Man did a quick check of the ship- everything seemed to be fine. He doesn’t tell any of this to Gordon. 

“Actually, I believe I have gotten the hang of this,” the computer said a little too quickly. “I need to conserve all my processing ability for navigation. Thank you for your concern, Gordon.”

With that, the monitor flicked off again. Gordon felt perturbed, but there wasn't anything he could do, so he picked the razor back up.

Gordon pulled the razor down his neckline.

The Gordon in the mirror only stared at him.

Gordon kept going, but when he looked back, he sees himself get nicked by the blade.

Gordon paused. 

In the mirror, Gordon is shouting silently behind them. Mirror-Gordon is soon joined by Bubby.

Gordon looked over his shoulder, but he was alone.

Entranced, Gordon continued to shave. A sting. Fingers fly to his neck, but when he pulls them, away:

Blood.

“Bubby! Bubby!” 

Bubby barreled down the hall and through the closed bunkroom door, ready for a fight.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

Gordon looked back at his reflection, but it was normal.

“Um,” he twiddled with a strand of wet hair, suddenly feeling a bit silly. “Does anything in the mirror look kinda strange to you?”

The hologram relaxed their stance and frowned.

“Umm... Well Gordon, I would assume body dysphoria increases after a traumatic event.” 

“No, that’s not...” He waved his hand in dismission. “It’s fine. It was probably nothing.”

Bubby eyed him suspiciously. 

“Whatever you say.”

The hologram flopped down on the bottom bunk. They took off their glasses and rubbed their temples.

“Not going well?” Gordon asked.

“No! Nothing is going well! The estimates were off, meaning we hit light-speed early. I’m sure you felt it?”

Gordon nodded, rinsing off the shaving cream.

“The ship is accelerating faster than expected. We’re just doing everything we can to prevent a meltdown.”

“A physical meltdown? Because I’m pretty sure G-Man just had an emotional one.”

Bubby sat up. 

“Oh, goddammit! Just what we need- an emotional computer!” The hologram looked up. “Gordon, you’re bleeding.”

The human sat down at the table, tissue pressed against his neck. 

“I’m fine, Bubby. I just got a cut shaving, that’s all.”

Bubby got up to look anyway. But as they stepped towards Gordon, their glasses- still on the bed- fizzled into nonexistence as it left the lightbee’s radius.

Shit. 

Bubby stepped back, but the glasses didn’t reappear. 

Fuck.

“Okay, that’s bad,” said Gordon, with fake calm. “Can you, maybe like, respawn new ones?”

“Can I what?! No, I can’t _respawn_ them, Gordon! G-Man does that! And right now, I wouldn’t ask G-Man for a stick of gum!” 

“Okay, okay! How well can you see without your glasses?”

“Well enough, I suppose! Look, I need to get back to work. Just hysterically scream my name if you have any more ‘probably nothing’s bothering you.”

* * *

Gordon went to check on Benry. Hitting light-speed had apparently not been an issue (for them, at least), but going into stasis for the rest of the trip was still a good idea. He was sure whatever was going on was just tiredness or stress, and he’d feel better once he had lunch. 

“Umm, Benry, what’s all this?” Gordon asked.

The cat dragged two large sacks behind him, limping lightly. A headcrab held a third- despite not having a face, it somehow clearly conveyed its desire to be offlined.

“S’my games. I’m a gamer.”

Gordon shook his head.

“No, Benry, we can only take a few items into stasis. I told you to pick three.”

The feline looked at the bags.

“I did. Had to say goodbye to my best. Whittle away my collection.”

“Three items,” Gordon sighed. “That’s all.”

The cat frowned. 

“Three? I’m a gamer. Can’t be a rad gamer without my gamer pad, man.”

Maybe he’d come back later.

* * *

Gordon would just check on Bubby, then he could eat.

Gordon walked into the driveroom. The room held the navcomps and had a table in the middle with no chairs; there were doorways on either side where doors once were (was a doorway without a door just an arch?), but had since been removed. The important thing was Bubby wasn’t there. He was just about to turn around and leave when the hologram walked in the north doorway.

“Oh good, you’re here,” said Gordon. 

“Gordon, I’ve decided to stay on while you go into stasis. The ship is a mess and I’m not sure it’ll run without help,” Bubby sighed.

“Are you sure? It’s a long journey home.”

“What?” 

“I mean it took 3 million years to get-”

“What things?” 

“Things?”

Bubby turned away from Gordon. He knew his bunkmate couldn’t see well without their glasses, but was their vision that bad?

The hologram put their hands on their hips.

“What are you talking about, Gordon?”

“What am _I_ talking about? Bubby, what are _you_ talking about?”

“Well, déjà vu is a common occurrence for people under high stress.”

“Déjà vu?! Why are you talking about déjà vu?!” Gordon had no idea what was going on.

“Gordon, you've been acting strange all day. Are you sure this isn’t cat scratch fever or something?”

“Bubby, you’re scaring me,” he pleaded.

Bubby just rolled their eyes and walked out the south doorway. But as soon the hologram disappeared from Gordon’s line of sight, they walked in the _north_ doorway.

“Gordon, I’ve decided to stay on while you go into stasis. The ship is a mess and I’m not sure it’ll run without help.”

“Bubby? What the smeg?! I just saw you walk through that door!” He yelled.

“What?”

“You were just here! You already said those things!”

“What things?”

Gordon went around the table to get closer, gesturing wildly.

“Those things!”

Bubby put their hands on their hips.

“What are you talking about, Gordon?”

“I’m telling you, this already happened! Now you’re going to tell me it’s déjà vu!”

“Well, déjà vu is a common occurrence for people under high stress.”

“No, it’s not... it’s not déjà vu! Bubby!” Gordon pleaded again.

“Gordon, you've been acting strange all day. Are you sure this isn’t cat scratch fever or something?”

“It’s not, I’m fine. Just roll your eyes and walk out.”

And so they did. But this time Gordon followed the hologram out the south door and down the hallway toward the bunkroom. 

“I’m just saying,” began Bubby. “You started acting weird after that wayward stray scratched you. You did get it looked at, right Gordon?”

“Bubby, Bubby no, it was barely a graze! And that was Thursday!”

“Two days for infection to set in,” the hologram said with a confirming nod.

“No, it’s not... it’s not,” Gordon laughed. Maybe this was cat scratch fever? Or some mutated version of it? He probably just needed some rest. Or some antibiotics. Actually, Gordon didn’t know that much about the disease. “Maybe you’re right. I have been-“

He was interrupted by a loud yowling, as Benry took off down the hall in the opposite direction. The cat was holding his jaw and still limped slightly as he ran.

“What the fuck is his deal?” Asked Bubby, scowling.

Gordon wanted to go after him, make sure Benry was okay, but he realized he should grab the medkit from his room first. They _were_ right there, after all.

Except when they walked into the bunkroom, Benry was on the loveseat, looking like he’d just woken up.

“What the smeg?!” Shouted Gordon.

“What the fuck?! We just saw him run past us! Gordon, why didn’t you tell me something against the laws of the known universe was going on?”

Gordon’s mouth opened and closed like a fish.

“Okay, that’s enough,” the human walked over to the monitor. “G-Man! What is going on?!”

The monitor flicked on. G-Man didn’t look any better.

“The time is 01:15:45, Gordon.”

Gordon shook his head.

“No, no. G-Man what’s going on? With the mirror, and then the conversation with Bubby? And we just saw Benry run down the hall!”

The computer furrowed his brow in thought. 

“Future Echoes,” he said finally. “Did I not explain this?”

Of course! How could Gordon have been so stupid! Future Echoes were purely theoretical, but he was a theoretical physicist, after all. He should have known something like this could happen.

The other two just gave the monitor a blank stare. Bubby crossed their arms, looking thoroughly unimpressed.

“I see,” G-Man continued. “Because the ship is travelling faster than the speed of light, you are catching up with things you are about to do, before you have done them.”

“I hate time shenanigans,” grumbled Bubby. 

Benry still looked completely lost. He just wanted to go back to napping. Why were these humans so loud?

“How long will this last?” Gordon asked.

“The temporal effects should cease once the reverse thrust causes the ship to drop below light-speed.”

G-Man didn’t provide an estimate of when this would happen- he didn’t know. The computer’s face disappeared from the screen.

“So,” Bubby put a hand on their hip. “These ‘future whatevers’, can they see us?”

Gordon shook his head.

“No, the Future Echoes can’t see us. Actually, we’ll be lucky if _you_ can see _them_.”

The hologram rolled their eyes before noticing something.

“Hey Gordon, what’s that photo?”

“The pictures from your birthday?” 

“No,” Bubby pointed to the top bunk. “That photo.”

Gordon grabbed the photograph off the wall of the bunk bed. It was a picture of Gordon, taken outside the medical bay. His hair was down and messy. In his arms he held a crying baby.

“I’ve never seen this photo before...”

Benry strained his neck from his place on the loveseat to get a glimpse of the image.

“...looks a bit shit.”

He pouted, laid back down, and pulled the blanket over his head.

The two scientists just stared at him. 

“Um.. okay.” Benry was probably still grumpy from being woken up, Gordon would let that go. “So this is the future? I’m going to be a dad?”

“Gordon, how the _fuck_ are we going to get a baby on this ship?!”

* * *

After the photograph debacle, Bubby had left to go back to work. Knowing there wasn’t anything he could do to help made Gordon feel useless. He couldn’t fly the ship, or navigate a course at light speed. He wasn’t even at a high enough clearance to enter the testing room! All Gordon could do was wait and hope things worked out.

But it was almost 2pm, and he needed lunch. 

Gordon stopped at a food dispenser. He ordered a meditation chicken wrap (no onions) and an iced green tea. As soon as the dispenser dinged to signify the order was ready, an ear-splitting scream echoed down the corridor. 

It was Bubby.

Gordon grabbed the wrap and bit the entire thing in half as he ran down the hall. 

He bust into the navigation room, shoving the last of the tomato and tortilla in his mouth.

“Whawt,” Gordon covered his mouth, still chewing. “Whawt’s wrong?”

Bubby didn’t look hurt- there were no attackers, nothing was on fire. They were just standing there, looking at the navicomp with an expression of horror.

“Gordon, don’t run with food in your mouth,” the hologram chastised. “You could choke!”

They paused for a moment before shouting, almost as if in realization.

“Gordon, I saw you die!”

“What-?!” Gordon started to cough and sputter. He slapped his chest. “Bubby, what the smeg?! A little warning next time?”

“I’m sorry, I just saw someone I know die right in front of me! It was very traumatic!”

“Yeah, me!”

“You were standing by the navicomp and-“ Bubby’s hands flew to their face.

“Don’t tell me! I don’t... was it quick?”

“Uhh...”

Gordon covered his eyes. 

“Bubby!” He peaked between his fingers. “...how did I die?”

The hologram made an explosive gesture with their hands.

“No! ...how old did I look?” 

“You’re 27, right?” They asked. 

Gordon nodded.

“Late twenties.”

“Bubby!” Gordon cried. “And you’re sure it’s me?”

“Gordon, we are the only people on this ship! Yes, I’m fucking sure it’s you!”

“Okay, okay,” Gordon ran his hands along his ponytail. “We can stop this.”

“No we can’t!” Cried Bubby. “Gordon it’s already happened! You can’t change this any more than what you had for breakfast yesterday! ...Gordon, you did have breakfast yesterday, right?”

Gordon’s breath quickened.

“No, no. Benry was hurt in a Future Echo. If we can stop that from happening, we can stop me from dying.”

“We can’t change the future. Gordon, you’re as dead as I am!”

Gordon wasn’t listening. He shook his hands and started pacing around the table.

“Okay, Benry was holding his mouth. He hurt his mouth? A tooth? Benry hurt his tooth.”

“Gordon!”

“How did Benry hurt his tooth? Eating something? Eating something hard?”

“Gordon!” Bubby called out again.

“My bird! My animatronic bird!” Gordon gasped. “Smeg! We left Benry in the bunkroom!”

He ran out the door and down the hall, Bubby in tow.

* * *

There wasn’t anything for Benry to do. He’d finished his nap, and the human wasn’t around to give him food. The cat had gotten his stuff together- like he’d been asked to. Although, he still didn’t know what ‘stasis’ was. Sounded like a tournament fighter. Not sure why he had to lug everything here. 

He was bored and he was alone; it was the perfect time to snoop.

These humans had some pretty sweet stuff: lots of crinkly things with the squigglies on them, a black box with that made a clicky noise, and some dope-ass bottles by the sink (contents were nasty as fuck, tho- something had to be wrong with the humans’ taste buds). Benry looked through the drawers where the human had pulled the clothes out of last night. He tried reading the shirts but the colours were all jumbled. He closed the drawer and was about to check out whatever double-nest situation was going on over by the couch, when he saw something move out the corner of his eye.

It was yellow and pink and it fucking beeped or something at him. It was small and had some weird-ass fur- but every time it moved it triggered some deep-seated primal urge inside Benry. 

Something in the very depths of the back of his mind sang a little song.

_(I’m gonna eat ya little chickie~ I’m gonna eat ya little chickie~)_

He looked left. He looked not-left. He was still alone.

Benry swiped the bird.

* * *

Gordon burst through the bunkroom door. He wasn’t going to die- all he needed to do was stop Benry from hurting his tooth and he was safe. The cat was holding Gertrude- it wasn’t too late!

The human made a mad dash and tackled Benry in an effort to get the robotic creature away.

“I’ll save you!” He yelled.

Benry yelped as he was pushed to the floor. A resounding ‘smack’ echoed in the room as his chin hit the edge of the dresser on the way down. The cat scrambled to his feet and held his jaw, giving off a loud wail as he ran out the room and down the hallway.

Bubby and Gordon looked at each other in stunned silence. 

“Gordon, you fucked up,” the hologram said finally. “It wasn’t his tooth!”

“Yeah... it wasn’t his tooth,” he repeated in shock. 

Gordon was going to die.

* * *

At least he didn’t have to wait long. It was only moments after Benry was gone that G-Man appeared on the monitor. 

“Gordon, I’m afraid my processors can not take the strain,” the computer appeared to be sweating now. “Would you assist me in the drive room? It’s urgent.”

Gordon took a deep breath and redid his ponytail. He walked out the bunkroom door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Bubby called out after him, following him down the hallway.

“You said it yourself, Bubs,” Gordon shook his head, as though even he couldn’t believe what he was saying. “You can’t change the future.”

The human picked up a crowbar off the ground.

“What’s that for?” Asked Bubby.

Gordon smacked the curved end against the palm of his hand.

“I’m not going out without a fight.”

* * *

The drive room was basked in the red glow of the emergency lights. Hazy smoke filled the air while the crackles of sparks illuminated the room. It smelled like ozone. 

“The navicomp is overheating, Gordon,” G-Man explained. If Gordon didn’t know any better he’d say the computer seemed like he was in pain. “Hook up that component to the main unit. I’d ask the headcrabs, but I’m afraid it requires a more… delicate touch.”

He plugged the colour-coded wires into their corresponding ports. Noxious fumes irritated his lungs and caused him to cough. 

“There are ten switches along the side. You must flip each one. Starting at the left. Slowly.” It seemed Gordon wasn’t the only one out of breath.

Gordon felt around the device, locating the series of tiny buttons. 

_Okay, deep breathes- no, bad, smoke inhalation._

He flicked the first switch. 

10.

And then another. 

9.

His eyes burned. 

8, 7.

“Slower,” G-Man gasped.

6.

5.

An explosion of sparks erupted from the console above him, lightly singeing his skin.

4.

3.

He’d had a good life, hadn’t he? Sure, he didn’t get to do everything he’d wanted, but it was good while it lasted. It was time to cap off the human race with a bang. 

2.

1.

Gordon waited. And he waited. And he waited. Nothing. 

Gordon Freeman was still alive.

* * *

The computer was stable for now. Gordon had a coughing fit as he started his journey down the hall. 

“Will you _please_ go to medibay,” complained Bubby. “You’re going to hack out a lung.”

Gordon laughed and spun in a circle.

“I’m alive! Bubby this is amazing!”

“No, you’re high off endorphins. I still saw you die- it might not be today, but it will happen!”

“What if you were wrong? What if I was hurt but still alive?”

The hologram threw their hands in the air. 

“Gordon, your innards rained down like confetti! Yes, you fucking died!”

The two entered the bunkroom. An old, old man lay on the top bunk. He had long, white hair tied in a braid that reached all the way down to the floor and a shiny, high-tech prosthetic for a right hand.

It was Gordon.

“Hello, Gordon,” he chuckled to himself. “It’s me- um, it’s you? Smeg, I should have rehearsed this. Gordon, I’m Gordon. No… I’m you, you’re me.”

Bubby crossed their arms, getting annoyed with all these time shenanigans. 

“Well, at least you haven’t lost any of your eloquence.”

The younger Gordon shushed them, allowing the other Gordon to speak.

“I’m you aged 147, Gordon. I know you’re there, because when I was your age, I saw me at my age, telling you this. When you get to my age, I need you to tell this to you at your age,” he paused. “No, that’s right.”

Bubby had never wanted to bang their head against the table more.

“It wasn’t you Bubby saw die, Gordon; it was Joshua.”

“Who’s Joshua?!” The hologram cried. 

The young Gordon gasped. 

“I was always going to name my son ‘Joshua’.”

“There isn’t much time; you need to grab your camera and get down to the medical bay- you need to take a picture!”

“Bubby, isn’t this fantastic? I’m going to have a son!” The young man absolutely beamed.

“But he dies,” Bubby reminded him. 

“Well, not _yet_!”

“I said move your ass to the medibay!” The older Gordon yelled at them.

The younger man rifled through his storage drawers and pulled out the camera. Just his luck- it had film! He ran out the door, leaving his roommate behind.

“Bubby,” the old man whispered. He coughed and held out his hand. 

Bubby moved closer and hovered their hand above his, unable to touch.

“Bubby, I’m sorry,” he said softly. 

The image of the old Gordon faded into nothingness. 

* * *

Bubby caught up with Gordon outside the medical bay doors. 

“G-Man says we’ve hit the reserve thrust- something about the visions getting closer to the present. Anything, yet?”

“No. This is where the photo we saw earlier was taken- that’s the same poster,” he pointed to the wall across from them. “Bubby, I’m going to have a son! I’m going to be a father! Can you believe it?!”

“No, I can’t.”

The human was about to respond when crying could suddenly be heard.

The doors opened and out walked another Gordon. His hair was down and messy, eyes bleary. In his arms he held a crying baby.

“Um, okay, I can’t see you, but I know you can see me,” the new Gordon said. “Get the camera ready, Gordon. Joshua, smile!”

Gordon held up the camera.

**Click!**

“Gordon, how in the _fuck_ do we get a baby on this ship?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that's a lot of dialogue. I'll be honest, I suffered. 
> 
> I recently read Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers and I feel that really helped me in writing this fic. If you're interested in Red Dwarf, I have a brand new discord server! Not sure how AO3 feels about links, but it's of course pinned to the top of my tumblr (Energon-with-a-Curly-Straw).


	5. Heartburn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this period of adjustment, nobody is having a good time... (Or the first angsty chapter of the series)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes and/or makes mention of: depression, some grief, body dysphoria (in a non-gendered way). If you feel you're not up to reading about these topics now or at all, or if you have issues feeling like your body isn't yours, this may not be the chapter for you. Feel free to skip it, and we'll be back to our wacky space adventures next update!
> 
> I'd just like to take a moment to say, as a trans person myself, that there is no 'right' way to experience body dysphoria. Your experience of dysphoria (or lack of dysphoria) is valid.
> 
> I'm hoping to do a heavy edit of the first chapter within the next update or two- the story and dialogue will remain the same, but the style will be more reflective of the other chapters.

It had been over a week since the incident with the Future Echoes. Gordon hadn’t seen Benry since he had practically bodychecked him to the ground, but he knew the cat would return- they still had his games, after all.

The lull in activity gave Gordon a lot of time to think- and he desperately tried not to. He had finished setting up the bunkroom, scoured through countless pages of ship reports, he even managed to complete that dumb platforming game- and that was only the first three days. 

But eventually, Gordon ran out of distractions. 

Every morning Bubby got up early to go work, and Gordon was left alone with his thoughts.

He thought about how the future echoes meant he couldn’t go back into stasis for the rest of his trip. He thought about how everyone was dead, and whether he should have a funeral for them- what he’d say, whether there was anything left. He thought about how one day he’d die on this ship. Alone.

So Gordon tried not to think. 

At first he tried to sleep the days away, but everytime he closed his eyes he had nightmares. The distorted faces of his dead crewmates and friends screaming at him, pleading for help, burned into his mind. They told him he should have died too.

So Gordon tried to sleep as little as possible; he drank coffee until it was late in the night and his body could hold out no longer. Until colours danced behind his eyelids and he felt himself being pulled down into the hallow void of unconsciousness. He wished the Halvaris had stocked energy drinks.

This wasn't healthy. This wasn't _sustainable_ . Gordon couldn't keep this up- he was about to break. Everything was just spiraling out of his control and there was nothing he could do. And now he wasn't sure if he _wanted_ things to get better; it was a dark and angry part of himself he tried to keep locked away, only at his worst did it sneak back up to haunt him. 

Gordon sat on the top bunk and watched as Bubby got ready for the day. 

“You're going out again?”

“Yes, Gordon, there's work to do.”

“When will you be back?”

The hologram sighed. 

“I don't know, it depends on how broken things want to be today.”

Bubby didn't seem to care how he felt- they just wanted to fix the ship! Gordon felt his fists clench around the blankets, a tone of annoyance slipped past his lips before he could stop it.

“That's just like you, isn't it? Always working?”

“Gordon,” Bubby frowned. “What are you talking about?”

Suddenly, it was as if all the emotions he'd been repressing ripped passed his chest and out his throat; all that anger and sadness and frustration and _fear_. 

“ _I_ _need_ _you!_ And you keep going _smeg knows where!_ ”

Gordon wiped the hot tears that began to stream from his face, pushing them into his hair that was beginning to dampen. 

“I'm alone! And now you're leaving, too! It's too much- I can't do this anymore!”

Bubby just stood there silently, staring at him. 

“You know what?” Gordon sobbed angrily. “It's fine! I just need to be on my own for a while!”

Gordon ran out of the room. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew he needed to get away.

* * *

“Door: lock,” Bubby said through clenched teeth, their chest tight. 

This was all their fault! They were the one in charge of the experiment that caused the resonance cascade! They were the reason Gordon, their only friend, had to go through this!

Tears pricked at Bubby’s eyes. They weren't going to cry- they weren't a failure. They shoved all those feelings back down. 

The hologram caught a glimpse of themselves in the mirror. It was wrong. Everything was wrong. It wasn't their body- it was just an amalgamation of all the parts G-Man could stitch together. They were some fucking Frankenstein’s monster!

In the mirror stared a pair of eyes, now reddened with emotion, that Bubby didn't recognize. And the teeth- G-Man hadn't even taken those from a _human_! 

They wanted to scream! To slam their fist down onto the mirror until it broke into tiny pieces- until it gave back what was stolen from them! 

But the fist went through the wall behind, and the mirror was left untouched. Bubby crumpled to the ground. 

Their hands- God, even their hands were wrong! They looked like normal hands but they weren't _theirs_. Fingers were long and slender like a pianist. It was as if someone had taken their skin and stretched it over someone else's appendages; spots and freckles were all in the wrong places. 

It made Bubby want to vomit. There had to be something. There had to be _something_ ! They couldn't keep going when every glance at their appearance screamed: _you are dead, you are a failure, Gordon is alone because of you and now you have to live with it as a hologram!_

...but they _were_ a hologram, weren't they? A computer simulation? Just a bit of fancy code? 

Bubby could work with this. They had tried to fiddle with their files before, but the scientist’s lack of programming knowledge made doing anything damn near impossible. But what if they could _learn_ how to program a hologram? 

And learn quickly. 

_Well duh, Bubby, you're a hologram! Just fucking download the knowledge!_

* * *

The hologram projection suite was the place Bubby’s program actually ran from; this is where G-Man had brought the scientist online. If any change could be made to hologram- it could be done here. 

Bubby plunged their hand into their heart and pulled out their lightbee. It felt weird- they hated doing this. 

Bubby’s entire existence depended on their lightbee. It was the size of a particularly chunky pen- like one you'd see in a bank in an old movie, one that you'd want to put in your mouth. The device displayed Bubby’s holographic image; it also allowed them to leave the ship when necessary. 

Bubby carefully unscrewed the cap and plugged the lightbee into the docking port. The hologram projection suite was equipped with holographic emitters- it was safe to remove it here. 

_Syncing device… do not disconnect…_

What a pain. Bubby downloaded several computer programming courses, as well as everything on file relating to programming holograms, and dropped it into one of their folders. It didn't matter which one- all identifying names were garbled.

When the data had finished downloading, Bubby disconnected the lightbee and transferred back to the device's projectors. It would take some time to install, they should at least get some work done while they wait. 

They could put off talking to Gordon a little bit longer- emotions were never Bubby’s strong suit. 

* * *

Bubby sighed and leaned back on their heels. The issue with artificial gravity in Food Storage 4 had finally been fixed- now they just needed the headcrabs to clean up the surrounding debris and maybe they could actually _get_ to it. 

They checked the status of the files: 20% installed. 

And it was working! Bubby was beginning to understand things about prototype-based object-orientation and ECMAScript! 

A warm glow filled their chest. 

This was it! Soon they would finally be able to look like themselves again. 

25%

Their lightbee began to purr in content. 

Okay, now they should talk to Gordon. They were all he had and they needed to be better. They were there to keep him safe, sane, and reasonably content. Bubby headed to the bunk room, they could buck up and get this over with. 

30%

Fuck. Fixing their body was going to be harder than they thought. Bubby would need to construct entirely new meshes-complete with bones and rigs. But Bubby wasn't an artist, and creating a mesh that was exactly like their body would require loading and checking every tiny adjustment. It would take forever- or at least until long after Gordon was dead, at which point Bubby would be offlined, too. 

In the holographic imaging files was a detailed scan of Bubby’s physical form- every little measurement marked to the nearest micron- those could be used to form the mesh. But if they had the scan intact, there wouldn't have been this problem in the _first place._ Any solutions were going in circles!

Shit. The heat in their chest was really starting to hurt. It felt like the worst heartburn the scientist had ever had. 

And Gordon wasn't even in the bunkroom. 

35% 

Bubby felt dizzy; the entire room was spinning- or maybe they were spinning? Everything was too hot. The hologram collapsed on the bed. They gasped for air, even though logically, they knew they didn't need to breathe. 

40%

Bubby's form began to glitch- multicoloured static tearing at the seams. Fingers struggled to find purchase on the mattress below. Everything felt like fire. 

45%

_No- no, this was wrong! It wasn't supposed to be like this!_

48%

With a silent scream, Bubby’s lightbee switched off, landing with a soft ‘thud’ on the bed as their form dissipated into nothingness. 

* * *

Looking at the stars always cleared Gordon’s head. He didn't recognize any of them now, but they sure were beautiful. 

Few knew of this little hideaway tucked away in the Halvaris. Whatever use it had been designed for, had been abandoned early in the voyage. But the spire below the glass domes ceiling provided a breathtaking view. It was peaceful and quiet. 

He shouldn't have yelled at Bubby- his friend was only doing what was best for him. Still, it was hard to be alone. 

Smeg, he needed to apologize. 

Gordon didn't know where Bubby was working today. They weren't in the navigation room or down in the techroom. He hated using the monitoring system, but he wasn't about to search the whole ship. 

Finally, Gordon relented.

“G-Man,” he called out. “Where's Bubby?”

The monitors along the hallway clicked on. 

“Dr. Bubby is located in your shared sleeping quarters, Gordon.”

No, that wasn't right- that's where Gordon had checked first. Maybe he'd just missed them? He'd go back and check again. 

No, the hologram clearly wasn't in the room. 

“G-Man, are you sure?” Gordon asked. 

“Hm, the locational tracker in Dr. Bubby’s lightbee clearly indicates this is the location. Within 5 meters of error, of course.”

Gordon had a sinking feeling in his chest..

“Perhaps my program has encountered an error,” G-Man continued. “Shall I request a diagnostic?”

Gordon shook his head. 

“No need.” He pointed to the bottom bed. 

It was the lightbee. 

Gordon felt his heart in his stomach. 

“Oh…. how unfortunate.” 

Gordon went to pick up the lightbee.

Smeg, it was hot. Gordon reflexively dropped it back on the bed and shook the hand with the lightly burned fingers. The little light on the device dimly flashed a blinking red- Bubby was still online, but needed help fast. 

Gordon wrapped a sweatshirt around his hand and picked up the device again. Even through the layers of fabric, he could feel it whirring frantically inside. 

“G-Man, do something!”

* * *

Gordon had never booked it to the holographic projection suite faster. 

“I will work on ceasing the installation. You need to cool down the lightbee,” G-Man instructed. 

“How?”

“I believe the nutrition distribution machines carry ice?”

“Right!” Gordon grabbed a shallow metal dish. He dumped the contents onto the table and ran out the door, towards the nearest vending machine. “Ice!” He practically screamed at it. 

Gordon shook the lightbee out of the sweatshirt and into the ice-filled dish. The ice sizzled and crackled from the heat the device gave off, already starting to melt. 

“Um, it's waterproof, right?” Gordon asked. 

“The x97b LightBee™ model is water-resistant.”

Smeg, that was going to be a problem. 

“I've managed to stall the installation process for now,” said G-Man, furrowing his brow. “However, I am unable to remove the files without severe damage to the program.”

Gordon could feel his heart beating loudly in his chest. 

“Fortunately,” the computer continued. “Dr. Bubby’s program was backed up prior to the download. We simply need to… restore the previous saved data.”

“So they'll be alright?”

“In a manner of speaking…” G-Man caught sight of Gordon's worried expression. “Yes, Dr. Bubby will be alright. Now, in order to restore the backup, we'll need to connect the lightbee to the main holographic imaging computer. However, we'll have to wait until it is no longer at a critical temperature.”

“What should I do now, then?”

“Well, Gordon,” G-Man gestured his head towards the dish that held the vital device in what was now just a pool of warm water. “I suggest we don't test out what the manufacturer classified as ‘water-resistant’.”

* * *

The first thing Bubby noticed is that they were laying down. They were laying down and they felt like shit. 

The second thing Bubby noticed was Gordon next to them. 

They'd been just about to download the file library on programming. What happened?

Bubby felt feverish and warm. Their head swam and their muscles ached. 

“Oh, Bubs! Thank god,” Gordon squeezed the edge of the bed reassuringly. “You're awake! Don't ever do that to me again!”

Their bunkmate looked haggard; red circles lined his eyes and his clothes looked slept in. The fingers on his right hand were lightly bandaged. 

“You look like shit, Gordon. What happened?”

Gordon grinned in relief. 

“You're lightbee overloaded. We almost lost you, you goit!”

Bubby frowned. 

“How long?”

Gordon sat back in his chair.

“It happened this morning. It's 9pm now.”

Alright, they’d only lost less than twelve hours. That was better than it could have been.

“Gordon, I feel like a gelatinous soup that's been poured out of a can.”

“Yeah, well, good. That was a really stupid thing for you to do, Bubby!” Gordon ran his fingers through his hair. “You need to rest, but tomorrow we're going to have a talk.”

The hologram slowly sat up. 

“No, let's talk now,” they sighed. “If we make it tomorrow, I'm not going to do it.”

“Oh, um… okay, fine,” Gordon pulled his hair out of the ponytail and began fiddling with the elastic. “Bubby, I lost everybody. My friends, my family- everybody's dead. And with you working all the time, it felt like I was losing you, too.

“But then today, I almost _did_ really lose you. And I'm sorry I yelled at you and I know you're doing it all for me,” Gordon’s eyes watered and he swallowed roughly. “It's just… I don't want to be alone right now and I'm scared. I'm really scared, Bubby.”

Dammit. They should have thought more about how Gordon was feeling. Why were they so bad at this?

“It was hard. When you left. When you went into stasis,” Bubby stared at their nails, looking anywhere but at the man in front of him. “I got used to you always being there- and then suddenly you weren't. I didn't like it.”

Gordon gave a small smile.

“You missed me.”

“It's-” the words caught in their throat. Bubby began to shake as their hands dug into their legs. They weren't going to cry, dammit! “Gordon, it's _all my fault!_ _I_ was in charge of the experiment that caused the resonance cascade to go off! _I'm_ the reason everybody's dead!”

“No, Bubby! Bubby! You couldn't have predicted this would happen! It's not your fault!”

Bubby could feel their eyes start to water. They dug their nails in further.

“Yes, it is! The experiment was _my_ responsibility! I should have prepared for anything! _I'm_ the reason you have to go through this!”

The first tear ran down the hologram’s face. Gordon got up and sat on the edge on the bed. He went to put his hands on the other’s shoulders before remembering and dropped them back down. 

“Bubby, Bubs, look at me. I don't feel that way at all.”

The tears rained harder- they couldn't keep them back. _Fuck, they were such a failure._

“Why can't you blame me for something?! Why do you have to be so goddamn nice?!”

“Okay, you know what?” Gordon took a deep breath. “I do blame you for something: you went and did something stupid and dangerous on your own. You didn't ask for my help, and you didn't even tell me what was going on!”

Bubby focused on steadying the rise and fall of their chest. 

“Bubby, we're in this together,” Gordon continued. “We have to rely on each other; I need you to tell me these kinds of things. I need you to tell me when things are bothering you!”

The hologram let out a strained laugh. 

“You haven't been so great at that, yourself.”

“No, I'm sorry,” Gordon tucked his hair behind one ear. “How about, from now on, we promise to tell each other when things start getting bad, okay?”

Bubby flopped back down on the bed, throwing an arm over their eyes.

“What?” They asked. “You want to lock pinkies, too?”

“Will you just promise me, you smegger!”

Bubby sighed. 

“Yeah, I promise.”

“Good,” Gordon patted the bed. “Now, you need to rest- and so do I. G-Man’s monitoring your vitals, and call out if you need anything. I'm sure I could get an audiobook you'd actually like.” He stood up to leave. 

“Gordon?” Bubby called out. “Thank you.”

Gordon smiled. 

“Goodnight.”

“And Gordon?

“Yes, Bubby?”

“If you ever tell anyone I cried, I'll light you on fucking fire.”

_Fair enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heartburn- get it? Because it burns where Bubby's heart is, and the chapter involves negative emotions? And because your author has been very, very sick since the start of october, and has been having heartburn as a side effect... Look, I just want to eat without being nauseous, okay? I had this chapter in mind from very early on, but I feel like the quality suffered from the constant fatigue. It didn't have as much oomph as I hoped for.
> 
> New chapters will come depending on how health goes- don't worry, I haven't abandoned this fic! I have at least 10+ chapters planned out to varying degrees.


End file.
